I felt like writing something - I just didn't know what. So, because nothing really interesting is going on in my life right now, I decided to be bold, and share something from my journal from 9 years ago. I was 17, a junior in high school.
Monday, April 3, 1995
Well. Many things have changed. It's funny the way things do that.
Adam and I broke up about a month ago. I have not talked with him since then.
I cut school so we could spend the day together. I'd be noticing he'd been really distracted.
And when I let him in - he handed me my usual candy and flowers. We gave each other a hug - but did not kiss. I sensed something was wrong - but figured we'd talk and work it through.
And then while talking and walking at the park with the lakes - I ended up dradding out of him that his feelings for me had changed. The next day I called him and it was officially over.
I cried and cried. I've never felt such a perfect love like I did with Adam. I didn't cry when David or Jeremey broke up with me.
It also really kinda hurts that he's never written. We were perfect for one another. I really thought we'd last until marriage. I was heartbroken. Oh well. Life goes on.
There is this one guy I am kinda interested in. We went to the Turnabout dance together. But although we kinda flirt with each other - I don't think he's all that interested in me.
And then there's Jeremy. We have always kept friends. Everyonce in awhile we'd hang out together. I still love him and always will. Awhile ago - he was always calling me and looking for me at work. One of my co-workers said he thought he still liked me. But I was skeptical - I know he had a girlfriend.
And then last night. I was completely exhausted from staying out late the past nights. Someone had just called - and I still had the phone in my hand - I dialed his number not expecting him to be home. But he answered. I said I was trying to take a nap - but couldn't get to sleep - he said he was just flipping around the t.v. and looking for something to watch and invited me over. I gladly accepted.
We played cards then watched StarTrek (one of his favorite shows). About half-way through - I put my head on his arm and asked if he minded. He said no. It felt so good to be close to him again.
When the show was over we continued to play cards a bit and he was thinking some pretty weird - belonging in the gutter - thoughts. I asked for him to share them with me. But he wouldn't. It seemed like he watned to - but was afraid. I can only guess at what they were - and most likely I'm wrong. I am wrong at some many things.
They probably had something to do with him and me doing something kinky. It was starting to get late - but as I was about ready to leave - his roommate Norman came into the kitchen. I didn't want to give him just some generic hug goodbye as I usually do when someone's around - so I was kinda stalling until he left. In the meantime he said "this would be a lot more comfortable on my futon".
Now that really suprised me. It seemed like ever since we broke up - the last thing he wanted was for me and him to be on his bed together. But I went anyway. I somewhat sensed things were going to lead romantically - but my mom called and reminded me it was late. I said I'd be home in twenty minutes or so. So whatever I or he expected to happen had a time limit.
We started tickling eachother - and then it turned to fighting. He held my hands really hard and my objective was to free them and tickle him. Everyonce in awhile we would both instantly stop and look into each other's eyes and give an expression - I want to but something is holding me back.
I know he was excited too - for once I accidently tickled him too low - and he jumped with pleasure. And then that became my next object of obsession.
And then we kissed. It was kinda hurried and wild - but that's how we were playing - hurried and wild. Not at all passionate and tender like I wished it could be. (If I could have stayed longer - it might have been) we stopped almost as abruptly as we started - with his hand on my bare stomach - he said I can't. I can't. I have a girlfriend. And I said, "so". He responded "I can't." He looked sorrowful. And then it was time to leave. We hugged and kissed again - and he repeated "I can't". All the while I was stroking his head.
I said I love you. I have always loved you. He responded softly "cool". I'm not sure if he meant it like "thank you" as he's said before. I'm not sure how he meant it.
I asked what are you doing tomorrow. At first he said nothing - and then he said "Oh, I have to help my girlfriend with her english paper. It's really important to her." And he said call me on Tuesday.
It felt so good to kiss him again. I never thought I'd be able to. Not in that way. I don't care if it was only just one moment of passion and it will never happen again. It was so worth it.
I'm not sure how he and his girlfriend's relation is - but it can't be all right since he kissed me. I don't expect him to break up with her for me (I don't expect anything) to think that would be totally unreasonable.
I've changed. I am ready to accept just a friendship. I think I have proven that to myself. He didn't have to invite me into his room. I know I could have gave him a sweet hug goodbye and I would have been satisfied. I'm not sure - nor do I really care what happens. Sure - I would like to see myself back together with Jeremy sure - I'm still in love with him - I always will be nothing will ever change that. But honestly I don't think its a great possibility.
I'd be more than happy with just friends. I'm glad I had my last kiss with him.
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